The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
