i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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