The maid of honor just puked.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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