The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
