i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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