Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
