You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
