I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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