hotel room ftw
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
sick fucks of a feather flock together
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
