Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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