I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
