Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
