Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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