Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
