apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I FOUND THE LEGS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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