I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Small penises have feelings too.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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