Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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