Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
