god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
