it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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