i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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