mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
