i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
