I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
