I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
