Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have fence marks all over my body
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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