mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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