youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
birth control should be required to get into college
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
