If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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