I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
