I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
