No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
