The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
