is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
