ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
