No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
