mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
