I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
