Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
