oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
