i think i have two assholes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
