i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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