Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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