thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I believe in your delicious
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
