i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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