Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This baby is an asshole
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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