My sheets look like a crime scene.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
