Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
