and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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