OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
