Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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