u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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