If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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