i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize