Please, let me fuck your mom
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
