Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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