i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
