you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
