dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
